Archive for the ‘humor’ Tag

I Had But Fifty Cents

I took my girl to a fancy ball,
It was a social hop
But we stayed until the folks went out
And the music it did stop
Then to a restaurant we went
The best one in the street
She said she wasn’t hungry
But this is what she ate
A dozen raw, a plate of slaw
A chicken and a roast
Some sparrow grass and apple sauce
And soft shelled crabs on toast
A big hot stew and crackers too
Her appetite was immence
When she called for pie I thought I’d die
For I had but fifty cents

She said she wasn’t hungry
She didn’t care to eat
Now Ive got money in my clothes
To feed she can’t be beat
She took it in so cosy
She had an awful tank
She said she wasnt thristy
But this is what she drank
A whiskey shin, a glass of gin
It made me shake with fear
Some ginger pop, with rum on top
A schooner than of beer
A glass of ale, a gin cocktail
She aught to have more sense
When she called for more I fell on the floor
For I had but fifty cents

You bet I wasnt hungry
I didn’t care to eat
Expecting every moment
To be kicked out in the street
She said she’d bring her family round
Some day and we’re have fun
Then I gave the man the fifty cents
And this is what he done
He tore my clothes he smashed my nose
He hit me in the jaw
He gave me a prize of a pair of black eyes
And with me swept the floor
He took me where my clothes hung loose
And threw me over a fence
Take my advice don’t try twice
When youve got but fifty cents

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True Blue Bill

I grew up on the mountain
Out where teh snow flies lay
Where the bulldogs speak in English
And the roosters lay square eggs
I shaved my beard and moustache
The morning I was born
And that night bet my old man
And drank his rye and corn

I am a truthfull fellow
They call me true blue Bill
I never dold a falsehood
And I bet I never will
Ive had some great adventures
Ive sailed the seven seas
Ive eaten great monsters
From lambs and down to fleas

Ive swam the wide Pacific
And walked around the moon
I’ve waded thrity feet of snow
On the thrity-first of June
I used to be a flier and in my aeroplane
I flew across to Paris and started back again
When I got half way over the doggoned motor balked
So I hit the darn thing set up there and got  out and walked

One time when I was shipwrecked on an island in the sea
By cannibals I was captured and tied up to a tree
They danced and beat their tamorines and they got rather rough
But they said I wouldn’t make good soup I was too doggoned tough
Oh the father of country could never tell a lie
And he was my great uncle
So why should I

When The Roses Bloom For the Bootlegger

I was going down the river to my little cottage home
The revenue men were waiting there for me
I was comin up the hill when they caught me with the still
I’ll be with you when the roses bloom again

When the roses bloom again beside the river
And the robin red breast sings his melody
With the revenue [ment act] west I’ll have a little rest
I’ll be with you when the roses bloom again

When the roses bloom again beside the river
And the revenue men have all gone to rest
For my heart will fill with cheer for I know I’ll get the beer
I’ll be with you when the roses bloom again

They took me to the jailhouse to serve my ninety days
And now Im on a County road to stay
I was feeling very friskey but they caught me with the whiskey
I’ll be with you when the roses bloom again

When the roses bloom again beside the river
And the robin red breast sings his melody
As they caught me with the wine I’ll be with you pal of mine
I’ll be with you when the roses bloom again

Cowboy Yodel

Im just a yodelling cowboy
As happy as I can be
In any old depot or old stock yards
Is have no cares like millionaires
No greifs to make me blue
I go my way from day to day
And paddle my own canoe

I left out all my troubles
Cause really it don’t pay
I never worry about myself
Im getting younger everyday
I keep my troubles to myself
And smile night through a tear
I hope that I never do get old
And live ten thousand years

Im going back to the sunny south
To stay their all my life
If some good girl won’t love this man
She can be my wife
I’ll try to make her happy
And love her all the time
I hope that she’s a millionaire
Cause I ain’t got a dime

The Big Rock Candy Mountain

One evening as the sun went down and the jungle fires were burning
Down the track came a hobo hiking and he said boys Im not turning
Im headed for a land that far away beyond the crystal fountain
So come with me and we’ll go and see the big rock candy mountain

In the big rock candy mountain there’s a land thats fair and bright
Where the hand-outs grow on bushes and you sleep out every night
Where the box cars are all empty and there’s sunshine every day
And the birds, and the bees and the cigarette trees, and the lemonade springs and the bluebird sings
In the big rock candy mounain

In the big rock candy mountain all the cops have wooden legs
The bulldogs all have rubber teeth and the hens lay soft boiled eggs
The farmers trees are full of fruit and the barns are full of hay
Oh Im bound to go where there aint no snow where they hung the truck
Who invented work in the big rock candy mountain

In the big rock candy mountain you never change your socks
And the little streams of alcohol come trickling down the rocks
Where the breakmen have to tip their hats and the rail road hulls are behind
There’s the lake of stew and of whikey too
You can baddle all around them in your big canoe
In the Big Rock Candy Mountain